When you’re not on the same page.
One of the biggest myths about friendship and relationships in general is that you need to constantly be on the same page in order to make things work. Read that sentence again and really stop and think about how impossible that is if you’ve got two sentient beings with their own thoughts, feelings, stresses, concerns, joys, ambitions...you get what I’m saying. Sometimes we can love somebody and have a completely different worldview to them. One of my favourite people, who happens to live on the other side of the world, went down the rabbit hole during the lockdowns and started to believe some things that are, from my way of thinking, quite dangerous and alarming. I didn’t share his views which disappointed him and I’m sure that he found my way of thinking equally dangerous and alarming. So, we gave each other space while the pandemic played out and agreed to disagree. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking fondly of him. I was still 100% in his corner and hoping that he’d get the love and support that he needed and deserved from the people who were geographically close. If I’d been there, I would have been on his doorstep to give him a hug and make sure that he was eating well and limiting his screen time and spending time each day getting sunlight in the garden. Not by nagging him, but by saying, ‘Hey. It’s a nice day, let’s leave our phones inside and drink our coffee in the garden’. (yes, I hear what you’re saying. Lockdowns, but you get my drift). I just would’ve called a time out and changed the subject every time the rabbit hole resurfaced. That’s respect. Not trying to constantly change somebody else’s worldview but giving them the space to navigate the world on their terms. Obviously, if that worldview included the belief that he couldn’t be around anyone who was vaccinated, sharing physical space would have been difficult, but that’s also OK.
Recently I’ve taken time out from a dear friend who I usually communicate with on a regular basis while we both process our stuff. It’s different stuff, with different stressors and we’re just not on the same frequency at this point in time. So, here’s the question, is it better to pretend that you’re not noticing the subtle digs and massive defensiveness and be a silent witness to their pain while they unconsciously inflict pain of their own? Or is it better to give each other time to process and regroup when the energy has shifted? I’m going for the latter. Don’t get me wrong, if she calls me in floods of tears and needs someone to hold space for her, I’m there. I love her and want her to be happy. But the second she starts to project blame, anger or says anything that suggests that my thoughts, feelings and opinions are irrelevant, I would leave the conversation and give her space until she remembers that she also loves and respects me. Because I love myself enough to know that I deserve the best in life. I also recognise that more things break down when conversation is tainted by anger and justification than they ever do by respecting that the person in front of me is not a reflection of me. They’re them and sometimes life is stressful. So, give each other space to work out the stresses and, when you’re both ready, come together to laugh, share, cry, problem solve, enjoy life and the blessing that you met up (potentially again) in this lifetime.
If that sounds cold and unfeeling to you, here are a few reflection points for you:
*Do you know what your boundaries are and are you able to assert them?
*Is it your job or duty to make other people happy?
*Do you feel like you’re the one who’s constantly compromising to keep life smooth?
*Do you require your friends, family and partner to demonstrate their love and loyalty by agreeing with and outwardly supporting most of your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions?
Here’s a hint, the first answer should be a yes, the next three a no. If your answers are different ask yourself why you feel that way and what you’re getting from keeping this way of thinking in your life, because life can be so much easier when you release yourself from the need to fix everything and release the people you love from the need to validate you.
